Blog of Gracie O'Neil Author Paranormal Romantic Suspense

15 December, 2009

The Choice of Commitment

Today is our pearl wedding anniversary.

In terms of marriage in general the symbol is really quite apt.

A pearl starts off life as a little bit of organic material that gets trapped into the pearl oyster's mantel folds and irritates the hell out of it.

Marriage starts off with two people (who think they know what love is) deciding they want make a lifelong commitment, live in close proximity, and irritate the hell out of each other.

The pearl oyster, in self defense against this potential threat, deposits layers of calcium carbonate and conchiolin around the annoyance.

The spouses, in self defense at this sudden change of focus from "me" to "us", begin the slow, painful process of trying to change the other person into something he or she wasn't in the first place. All in the name of "love", as the other person will be better, more beautiful, more socially acceptable, more financially viable, more [insert change of choice here] once this process is complete.

Not to mention less irritating.

Wrong.

I've watched a lot of marriages fall apart over the years while ours has stayed together, and one secret I can tell you about relationships is this: you will never change someone else.

You can only ever change yourself.

One of the many things I love about my husband is that, unlike the jerk in my gift this week, Self Improvement, he has never tried to change me into something I wasn't.

He's never badgered me "for my own good". He has encouraged me to follow my dreams, supported me when I made difficult decisions, offered options and opinions when I asked for them, and has always been there when my world (real or fictional) falls in a hole. He's my rock; calm, patient, humorous, and terrifyingly intelligent.

In return, I bring to the marital table an emotional, short-fused, triple dose of Irish temperament. I nag him to follow his dreams--when I remember he has them too. Snarl like a dog when he makes a decision I don't agree with. Thrust options and opinions at him whether he asks for them or not. Personality-wise you could say I'm fire to his rock.

But, lucky for both of us, we put down a strong foundation at the beginning. We have a similar value system. We share a sense of humor. We agree that, while love encompasses many emotions, it is--ultimately--a decision of the will. We choose to do loving things for each other even when life gets tough and our feelings gets screwed.

Love isn't easy. It is a choice. A mindset. Hard work. But that's only one side of it. Learning to love and be loved has been the most precious gift I've ever been given. Nothing comes close to it. Here's to another even more exciting thirty years!

7 December, 2009

The Choice of Contentment

You probably know that the holiday season has one of the highest rates of suicides, murders, and runaways of any time of the year. Why is that?

Personally, I think it stems from guilt. The tradition of getting together with family can often be more of a stress than a joy--for all concerned--and knowing that the experience will be stressful makes the problem worse. But we have to do it because it's expected. We resent it. Then we feel bad about resenting it, so we overcompensate for our resentment. We spend too much on presents. We eat too much. We drink too much. We talk too much. Stupid, petty things create major rifts. A few too many drinks lead to bad decision-making...vehicle accidents...arguments. Family feuds.

Why do we do it? Whether or not we subscribe to or celebrate the Christian festival of Jesus' birth, "tradition" is not a good enough reason to put ourselves (and those who should be closest to us) through some emotional blender in the name of family togetherness. In a society where material gain and gratification has reached god status someone has to say 'enough'.

I think the key is to choose to be content, and by that I mean to be at peace with who we currently are, and what we already possess.

Contentment is not something we're born with. It's not a gift that some people magically acquire and others don't. Contentment is something we learn by the exercise of personal choices. We choose to live within our means. We reject immediate gratification in favor of a goal further down the road. We keep our expectations of ourselves and our personal growth within reasonable limits. We hold our expectations of other people with open hands.

It's not easy. It's not immediate. Sometimes it's damned hard work. If we make it our goal to be content with who we are and what we have, we may--or may not--not change a social system. But we will change ourselves. And to change ourselves--our minds, our hearts, our actions--has got to be the most difficult thing any human being can do.

In today's gift, my short story Food for Thought, Gina makes some choices that she hopes will lead to contentment for her. I hope you enjoy it.